Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
