I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
Randomize
