I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
