the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize