If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Randomize
