Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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