i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
