I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
