I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Randomize
