just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
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