New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
