I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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