Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Randomize
