Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
