genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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