I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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