I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
