I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
