i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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