This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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