my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
