Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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