You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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