you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
