She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
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