Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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