I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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