So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Randomize
