Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
Randomize
