If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
the only thing i can think of after seeing avatar is "when are they gonna make avatar porn?"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
