We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
