Will you blow on my dice?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
