i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
