2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
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