I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
