ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
