I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
