4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
Randomize
