im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Randomize
