So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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