Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
