alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
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