But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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