Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
