I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
