am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
