So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
