her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
