I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
