i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
