I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
