I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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