Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
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