no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
